Avatar: Mind-Numbing Hollywood Strikes Again
Perhaps I was naive to get caught up in the hype. But I swear to you. I swear to you that reputable people told me to go see this movie. That I would enjoy it. That is was a must do.
These are people who know I don’t go see movies. That I average maybe one a year, at best. That I hate the whole experience of being locked in a theater with inconsiderate strangers, kissing teenagers and 25 minutes of previews. The smell of shitty popcorn and the incessant smacking on Red Hots and Mike N Ikes.
They knew how I felt. And yet they still urged me to go. They said it would be worth it.
I had high hopes. I slotted it in for date night and held Sal’s hand while we walked into the theater. I even smiled through all the previews and felt optimistic. I was happy. A movie theater! A childhood rite of passage! I’m a teenager again!
And then the movie started.
I can’t decide what was worse – the shitty writing, the shitty acting, or the mind-numbing recycled plot-line with heavy-handed attempts at “deep” messaging.
It was like a bad mash-up of Dances With Wolves, Jurassic Park, and every awful “save the planet” action flick that has ever been made. If you’re going to make a movie that terrible and that long then where the hell was Kevin Costner for crying out loud? And, while I’m at it – was that Rachel Ray flying the fighter jet?
If they’d thrown just two more bad Hollywood cliches into the mix, it might have been hilarious as parody.
“Oh, but the special effects!” they’re crying.
I know, I know. The movie wasn’t supposed to be a heady experience. And, I’ll admit – the visual experience was stunning. But, to tell you the truth, I could have done with a 30 minute highlight reel and two hours of my life back.
As it was, I think Sal and I both set an eye-rolling record. The poorly scripted and painfully predictable romance scene, the evil villain who just. would. not. die. The overwrought “pre-eminent force” speech scene with the faces of all those mindless, crazed and glazed military personnel nodding and smiling in agreement.
Don’t even get me started on the whole mildly offensive stereotypical representation of the “gentle savage” indigenous people.
…I really wanted to love Avatar. Honest.
Instead, I left the theater feeling numb and jilted, trying to block out the memory of a whole night’s worth of bad lines like “You’re not the only one with a gun, bitch.” and “This ain’t over as long as I’m still breathin’”
But hey, at least I got to catch a steamy blue-alien sex scene, right?
Nothing better than blue alien sex.