30 Years Old and Faster Than Two Scalded Pigs
I turned 30 yesterday.
It was one of the best days of my life. Nothing particularly special happened. I got up, went to boot camp (they sang to me), spent the day working and running errands for the party we’ve planned for Friday, had a happy hour drink at a hip little spot in town, came home, and went to bed.
But the day was marked by an all-encompassing feeling of dominance and ownership: “Hell yeah! I’m thirty!”
I am exactly where I wanted to be at this age and two years ago I would have never predicted that. For all the turmoil and unrest, 2005-2007 was a hugely formative time in my life in which I took control, took action, and took on my dreams.
I feel good. Really good.
And on the morning of my 30th birthday my mother emailed me an absolutely hilarious version of my personal biography (she writes professionally) that is far too embarrassing to share. However, it arrived with a rewrite that my father had done of the old country song, “Oh Lord It’s Hard To Be Humble (When You’re Perfect in Every Way)”
As a three year old I was in the habit of performing my vocal stylings of this song to large audiences (of three family members). My mother would give me a grand introduction and I’d stand on a kitchen chair while I delivered what must have been a stirring rendition (I assume it was stirring because no one seems to be able to forget about it).
My favorite part of my father’s version of the song is the line, “And you’re faster than two scalded pigs”. Who would write that?! Only my father, that’s who. He was raised on a big farm with lots of siblings and hay bails. That line is so quintessentially my father its not even funny.
Without further ado…
To be sung to the tune of “Oh Lord, It’s Hard to Be Humble”
“Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble,
When you feel older every day,
When you tremble to look in the mirror,
‘Cause you never know what it will say.
“Some folks say that you’re egotistical,
But we know that’s not how you are,
You’re just greener-than-thou (taking food from the cow)
And you don’t even drive your damn car.
“Oh Lord, it’s hard to be thirty,
When you get up at dawn every day,
When you’re trying to graduate boot camp,
And it looks like you’re in there to stay.
“Well, you’re still in the field playing softball
And you’re faster than two scalded pigs
But you look outdated in center
Dancing obsolete victory jigs.
“Oh Lord, we’re glad that your thirty
Though you’re old now we’d just like to say,
In our hearts you’re best beyond all the rest
And we know you’ll be staying that way.”